it is said in yogic philosophy that our only job in this living world is to become the you-est you that you can be. Audre Lorde echoes this in Sister, Outsider, as she writes about parenting her children, stating:
i believe infinitely that if you want to change the world, you must be a parent, a mentor, an auntie, a good relative to the generations who come after you. part of this is selfish: otherwise, the work ends with you; and part of this is to counteract selfishness and egotism: you must be willing to be WITH these generations - not to merely tell yourself to do good by them, but to know them, their fears, their hopes, their dreams, and act accordingly. while i'm not a parent (yet), i am a proud auntie and relative to many young people. i take that responsibility seriously as i embark on my career and the terrifying journey of "adulthood".
on my journey to and through medical school, i have done my best to learn who i am, honor her journey, and become her as fully as possible. before i was brave enough to be me, i endured the pain of trying to masquerade as a medical student with the expected aspirations - the same goals as those teaching me who had ascended the ivory tower of medical knowledge. they wanted me to aspire to be great in the way this corrupted, profit-driven medical system has defined: in terms of my productivity, the degree to which i will deny myself my basic needs and also negate slow relational time with my patients in the name of efficiency so that i might "serve more patients". (who is being served well when their doctors don't even have time to listen?) these same people told me "I missed most of my children's events and I worked 100 hours a week, but it was worth it", "I don't have time to move my body or cook meals with my family, but it's worth it". i read all of these responses as evidence of how they have convinced themselves the oppression of the systems of medical training and medical care is justified. let me state here, for those who are wondering: no salary is worth living without sunshine, family, slow meals, and play. it's easy for me to say this since i'm not in debt from medical school. i know this is a great deal of why i have not bought into this ideology the way many of my peers have.
in third year on my vascular surgery rotation, the team ate fritos, candy, and drank high fructose corn syrup after denying their bodies rest, hydration, or any living food all day. i learned quickly to hide my surprise and horror, as i also learned quickly that i was the only one on our team who recognized that these attendings and residents, who were all overweight, chronically stressed, angry, and sleep deprived, faced the same fates of the very patients they operated on.
these words are for you, medical student, on your journey. the only way this system begins to change is if you refuse to be a part of normalizing it. there is value in some of what we are taught; but in looking back now at the past four years, i wonder how much of it will be relevant to my future practice, in which i will teach my patients how to live and thrive. those skills involve the basics, and lead to the complex: how to eat. how to sleep. how to take care of the brain. how to pray, sing, dance, embrace the creative. how to heal. how to continue to navigate your journey, and learn to trust the voice within you to guide you towards balanced relationship with your natural world and your relatives. my practice will embrace several aspects of western medicine, and i am grateful that i will have the knowledge to assess my patients' safety, and know whether or not they need an escalated level of medical care. i am also infinitely grateful for the perspectives of my mentors who have shown me myriad other modalities of healing and modalities of disease that are not written in textbooks or randomized controlled trials.
dear future healer, when you learn to find strength within yourself and develop the bravery to express that truest you, you might be shunned. you might be ostracized. you might find yourself at odds with those around you, intent upon following the preordained path, and terrified of the consequences of deviating from it. when you find strength within yourself to ask why? why not? what if? you might receive criticism and judgment in return. this is not a measure of the worth of your ideas. it is a measure of the fear of others who wholeheartedly acknowledge the brokenness of our sick care system, and the sickness of themselves within it, but lack the courage to contemplate radical, curious, imaginative change.
don’t lose your sparkle or suppress these dreams. cherish these messages that guide you closer to living your values. spend hours in solitude so that you may know your inner compass better than your curriculum.
if you sat an exam of knowing yourself, how would you score? dear future healer, know this: the examination of your own Self is more important than your mcat, your steps, your shelves, your boards.
dear future healer, if you lose yourself in the process, it isn’t worth it.
